I’ve had my mind on this post for a while… But, like many things (and the 5 drafts I have saved for other posts), I take time to think out what I write. I want to make sure that I know what I want to say on a subject. But this picture below happened and yeah…The fear was a little more real than contemplating how I would feel IF…
It’s taken about a month, but yes. According to my scale, I have lost 5 pounds. I try and go a long time without weighing because I can get obsessively and easily discouraged. I try to wait two weeks between. I weigh in the morning after I go to the bathroom. You know… All the tricks. LOL Because naturally, my weight does go up slightly after breakfast, working out, and just living the day. Why is there fear instead of excitement?
I don’t have picture of me younger and these are just because I took a picture and put on Facebook. But, these are pictures of me as a younger kid. Thirteen and Fifteen years old. You can see, I was a big kid. Really, I’ve been a bigger kid most of my life. I mean, I remember in First Grade having a kid make fun of me for me being fat and telling her, “No I’m not! I lost weight over the summer!” I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. High School was probably my best because I actually lost a good amount of weight. I think my lowest was 191 and I could wear size 13 jeans.
But, as life often does, it gets stressful, there’s drama. You end up on your own and dirt broke and unable to buy any food let alone healthy food. It’s the time where you just learn how to survive and in that time my health suffered and my weight exploded.
This picture isn’t that bad. But, this was before I had kiddos. I was okay with how I looked. I was heavy but it was in all the right places.
Then we have some babies. In the picture on the left I was about 255. I actually lost a lot of weight while I was pregnant. But as you can see in the picture on the right. I gained it all back and then some. The picture on the right was in 2012 and I was beginning my blogging journey. I knew that something wasn’t right and I needed to do something about it…
But a running theme in my life is… Things happen. Life gets stressful. December 2012 was when I met my husband.
We were married, we ended up having a great year of our first marriage. It was like a fairy tale. Then… Are you guys getting this yet? Life turns stressful and stuff happens. Well, a tornado destroying everything we have…happened. We were homeless for 4 months and try as hard as I could, I couldn’t really stay 100% gluten free. This is when I realized that something was very wrong.
I couldn’t stay awake. Probably for a good 4 months or more I slept most of the days away. I just couldn’t stay awake. I had lots of migraines. I discovered a lot of it was contributed to a severe reaction to caffeine. But… I was also not okay upstairs. I figured I had just been through a lot..
Hind sight says (because you know it’s so wise) I could have had an autoimmune flare. I’ve had low thyroid numbers but you know what they say.. “Low but in range…” I think instead of having a lot of emotional issues from the tornado, I actually ended up physically reacting to what happened. But, when our house was back I had a new resolve to get healthy and figure this out. I was going to dedicate myself to Paleo. I got through that whole year without a soda. I thought I could conquer the world.
Unfortunately, this situation lead me right to the brink of my fears. I was standing on a scale in someone else’s house and it happened. And I panicked. I cried. Yes. I’ve never admitted this to anyone…But it said 300 pounds. (So technically, since then I’ve lost 25 pounds in 2 years.)
Well, as you guys may know I’ve been working hard this last year with AIP and discovering food allergies and testing my iron will. I’ve seen a natural doctor and added some supplements. I’m finally on the rebound from all of this. It’s been nearly 6 years of ups and downs trying to figure out how to lose weight. Fighting, clawing, failing, crying, retrying, fighting some more. I may have hypothyroidism and celiac but I’m on the right track to healing.
Flash forward through all that mess and here I am. Just walking. Every day I get a chance. This week was the first week since I started November 13th that I didn’t have any obstacles in my way. I did all 5 days. Which…Yes I’m kind of paying for but you know… It’ll get better. I have been working hard and for once in my long time of working at this..I’m seeing progress. Actual scale victories. There are only so many *bleeping* times you can be like…Well my face is clearer…and you know my mind isn’t so foggy…and you know this non-scale victory that…yeah…
And then this morning… I realized I lost 5 pounds and a twinge of fear hit me. I’ve been through so much I deserve this! But, at the same time there’s the fear I have of actually losing weight. What if I do get down to my goal? I want to lost 80 to 100 pounds. What if I actually pull it off? Hell…What if I just get to my initial short term goal of 250!? I haven’t been there since I was pregnant with Mark in 2011!
My biggest issue is that I am a very self-conscious person. I do not like getting the attention of other men. I’ve gotten attention from men since I was 16 and had started to develop. Yes.. My big ole tata’s y’all. I’ll say it. I am not one to feel flattered. I don’t want your attention. I don’t want to have to catch you looking down. Yes men, we notice. It’s rude. And, I’m not one to often show off my cleavage because of this (rare exception in that picture above…I normally crop it out).
Truth be told…I probably have a stronger reaction to these types of things because I have been sexually abused in the past. While I know I’m stronger physically and mentally…I just really have a strong aversion to getting attention. I wear the baggy clothes. I cover up the tatas. But that fear is there. What if I lose weight and people look at me differently.
There’s also the all too real thoughts about…Will people treat me differently if I am smaller? Don’t get me wrong…I think most of my friends and family will be happy and they won’t treat me any different. But, if the employees at Sephora actually would ask me if I need help….. Yes..It happens. I am always ignored. I think I would just be so very disappointed. Disappointed with people in general.
It takes a lot of self positive talk to get me through a day. You can ask my dear hubsy how many times I rethink an outfit because I want to look presentable. It takes a lot to love myself and be okay with where I am. It’s scary thinking about what I may deal with if I do lose the weight I want to.
It seems silly to think that I have a fear of losing weight. But, I think it is a real feeling that many of us could have. It’s not that we’re so scared we won’t lose weight, or maybe there are. Maybe fear keeps us from trying to reach our full potential weight loss. I think it takes a lot of love and courage to drastically change your appearance and still end up loving yourself at the end of the day no matter what.
Really…Maybe that is my point. The fear is there, but we have to love ourselves right through it. We have to forgive ourselves for years of struggles and not feeling like “we got it right.” It’s a daily choice. It’s moment by moment how we live. We have to choose to put every moment into a positive place. I have to do this for me. That way I can become the strongest version of myself. So that no matter what may come, I can still keep the journey going.
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got to say about that. Go shine you’re beauty out into the world. Spread peace and happiness. Do the corny positive self talk. It really does work. Keep fighting. Keep growing stronger. Make sure to come back next time too! I have an epic recipe coming up that I hope you will all enjoy.
Go soak up the sunshine.
-Ami M. Lee, The Common Sense Cook